As a general rule, if I think a movie is going to be balls awful I won't see it. Unlike the connoisseur of bad cinema Michael Adams - who endured watching bad movies every day for a year as documented in his book Showgirls, Teen Wolves and Astro Zombies - sitting through a crappy film is not something I actively seek out. Sure, sometimes I surprisingly enjoy it (the patritoic overload that was Olympus Has Fallen, case in point) but generally I don't have the time to waste on a movie that will make me storm out of a room screaming "SEXIST BULLSHIT!" (Spring Breakers). So. In overwrought summary, this list of films was discovered unintentionally. With the exception of The Mortal Instruments - whose badness was so famed I live tweeted the event - I entered them with the best intentions. What resulted was a painful, painful experience also known as the 10 worst movies of 2013.
1. Spring Breakers
Like a cross between Showgirls and Drive, Spring Breakers doesn’t manage to reach its lofty aspirations. Instead of being a cringe-worthy commentary on Generation Now, it’s an artsy piece of exploitative bullshit that leaves no lasting message.
2. The Canyons
3. The Mortal Instruments: City Of Bones
When the closing credits on The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part Oh My God How Many Is This Now finally ran last November, we all breathed a deep sigh of relief. Alas , it wasn’t over. Then came the plethora of multi-million dollar blockbusters starring a cast of hot young thangs and based on a mediocre best-selling YA novel. Trying to cash in on the success of the previous franchise and the frenzy of Twihards, the films have been blanket terrible. So terrible, in fact, that Graffiti With Punctuation’s Maria Lewis went to The Mortal Instruments armed with her most powerful weapon: Twitter. The verdict? Here’s her stream of tweets – minute-by-minute - on the woeful Twi-wannabe.
4. Pain & Gain
If Pain and Gain were a human being it would the kind that punctuated the end of a sentence with the word “BOOM!” and a fist bump. Does that make it any less insulting? Any less sexist? Any less fatist? Any less racist? No. It’s big, it’s dumb, and it’s everything you would expect from Michael Bay.
5. The Host
6. Grown Ups 2
8. Kick Ass 2
9. The Internship
10. The Smurfs 2