With the 2014 reboot of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles being released this weekend in the US, here's why Michael Bay's take on the mutant heroes is probably going to be shell-shocking. April O’Fail
— Samuel Spettigue (@ninjaspag) August 5, 2014
Megan Fox’s humdrum performances in the Transformers movies don’t infuse one with any sense of excitement for her upcoming April O’Neil gig. From the trailers it seems like Fox is present more for eye candy purposes than to be the strong, passionate journalist that is known and loved in the comics and animated series. Fox’s pouts and hair flicks do not inspire, nor does her rump, which the trailer suggests is likely going to be the butt of many derrière related puns and attempts to force bad jokes on the audience. If the choice was Judith Hoag/Paige Turco and their 90’s-chic or Megan Fox and her side-eye pouts, the choice would be Hoag/Turco every time.
Somewhere between the Silver Samurai from The Wolverine, the Destroyer from Thor and a Decepticon, Shredder-bot Prime looks just as ridiculous as it sounds on paper.
Whoever made the creative decision to take away the classic Ninja Turtle design and replace it with Feudal Japan meets Bondi-Beach-Teen complete with Voldemort-like nose slits and super creepy Turtle-lips needs to be fired.
LOOK HOW MUCH BETTER THEY LOOK. SERIOUSLY.
More of these edits can be found here.
No Ninja, No Ninja, No!
Most fans of the 1990’s movie will remember the catchy “T-U-R-T-L-E Power” track by New York hip-hop duo Partners in Kryme.
"With respect to all of the artists, the song doesn't really do it for me. It feels a little artificial—what I mean by that is that it sounds like a bunch of executives in the corporate world put it together. It really does not fit the theme of the Ninja Turtles legend. I think you have to understand, and be a true Ninja, to possess the Magic to really pull off the secret sound."
As soon as it was announced that Michael Bay was involved in the Turtle reboot, fans worldwide sighed. Even though he wasn’t directing the movie, being involved meant that audiences would be treated with the classic Michael Bay ingredients:
- Low Angle 360 degree shot
- Totally unnecessary slow-mo
- Spectacularly chaotic Bayhem
- MORE EXPLOSIONS
As soon as the first trailer hit, all of the above was confirmed. Some of you may be thinking that it could be worse, but remember two things:
1) Michael Bay almost made the pizza-loving ninja’s aliens… just sayin’
2) Transformers 2/3.
Taking all of the above into account, it is highly likely that the new Turtles flick is going to flop harder than Taylor “Cowabunga Carter” Kitsch’s Adventure on Mars.
Samuel Spettigue - follow Samuel on Twitter at @ninjaspag.