man-of-steel-poster-02From the man who brought you Sucker Punch

And the guy who gave Bruce Wayne a beard

Comes a movie produced by their wives

Starring a Superman to be feared

It opens with Jor-El on Krypton

So Man Of Steel begins promisingly enough

There’s an imploding planet, dragons,

And a baby Kal-El shooting out of a muff

 

General Zod leads a coup to save the planet

Angry at how the people have been treated

The reign is short-lived and they’re overcome

But what to do with the defeated?

Krypton’s answer is to freeze them

And send some dildos into the sky

You think I’m joking?

Watch the movie, it’s not a lie.

 

Fast forward to hobo Clark Kent

What he’s doing, we’re not quite sure

There’s a beard, of course, and some brooding

Plus a good shirtless scene on the shore

It takes a ship and a ghost to become Superman

And damn can the boy rock a blue pair of tights

Then there’s Lois Lane; intrepid reporter, Pulitzer Prize winner,

And expert at falling screaming from great heights

 

The flashbacks are nice

Even though Pa Kent’s a c*nt

‘Let kids die, don’t be special, farming is great’

‘If they learn what you are, the humans will hunt’

Superman is seen as humanity’s saviour

Prepare, because Jesus metaphors abound

After all he’s a God sent to Earth

The logic behind this is sound

 

The problem is with the action, blockbuster and all

That’s where Man Of Steel truly falls into trouble

Two thirds through it gets overwrought and out of control

Leading to a finale that turns a city to rubble

Yet after catastrophic damage and millions of people dead

Superman dukes it out with Zod in Metropolis

When all the citizens are really wondering is:

‘Why the fuck is he letting a building fall on top of us?’

 

Zack Snyder seems to think that more is MORE

“Look in the mirror and remove one accessory,” said Coco Chanel,

If only he had done that in post-production

Instead of adding more explosions to compliment Kal-El

It’s that guy you have great conversations with, but the sex is awful

Man Of Steel is rewarding, but you’ll get no lasting satisfaction

Which is a shame when the dialogue scenes are so superior

To the endless cluster fuck of action

 

There are good parts to be sure

Namely Foara-Ul who is an awesome villainess

Despite that you will arrive at the same conclusion:

That Man Of Steel is a red, hot mess

[rating=2] and half

Maria Lewis - follow Maria on Twitter here: @moviemazz

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Sydney, Australia. Getting her start as a police reporter, her writing on pop culture has appeared in publications such as the New York Post, Guardian, Penthouse, The Daily Mail, Empire Magazine, Gizmodo, Huffington Post, The Daily and Sunday Telegraph, i09, Junkee and many more. Previously seen as a presenter on SBS Viceland’s nightly news program The Feed and as the host of Cleverfan on ABC, she has been a journalist for over 15 years.

Her best-selling debut novel Who's Afraid? was published in 2016, followed by its sequel Who’s Afraid Too? in 2017, which was nominated for Best Horror Novel at the Aurealis Awards in 2018. Who’s Afraid? is being developed for television by the Emmy and BAFTA award-winning Hoodlum Entertainment. Her Young Adult debut, It Came From The Deep, was released globally on October 31, Halloween, 2017 and is a twist on The Little Mermaid meets Creature From The Black Lagoon.

Her fourth book, The Witch Who Courted Death, was released on Halloween, 2018 and nominated for Best Fantasy Novel at the Aurealis Awards in 2019. Her fifth novel set within the share supernatural universe is due for release in October, 2019.